uninstant coffee

i can't explain this heart
to you
not like this with dirt
falling off my
shoulders
like i were a corpse
come back to tell you
to get out of my bed

i can't describe it
it would take all
your masterpieces
orchestras
paintings and novels
all working together
to just begin thinking
about it

i'm not saying i'm the universe
but i can't be reduced
into just a chest
with demographics
like molecules
banging together
to form a voice

a scream has many endings

and i can no sooner
tell you why
i think my
heart is important
than tell you why
i think not having one
is important

but everything that's
dedicated
in the book of the beginning
is to the book of the end

and in there
my heart is pressed between
pages so thick you'd think there never was
a winning argument
and this heart
that i can't explain
knows this head that sometimes doesn't work
and these hands like klutzes in a black and white
slapstick comedy
these legs are merely upside down
handstands that impress no one who
can walk
and my balls
and my body
and my rest

confused
as infants in the center
of the room
crawling

and that what i grieve
i grieve because
i know
something like you
won't happen again

and though there have been hints
at a great conclusion
that everywhere might someday
be happy

in me the conclusion
has been made
and though we are not supposed to
go around killing people
we do go around killing people
and we could get married
and yet we can't
get married
and we could and
we can't at everything

all i can do is
rub against you

my heart will miss
you
i will miss you
and my heart
won't miss you again

in and out
in and out

all the time

we're all fucking
all knowing
all being

with no way
to control anything