thoughtless think tank

for that three months
and two weeks and a few days
not to mention
two women
a sprained shoulder
a few fights
and a threat to
have my car towed
later
i did nothing but
contemplate suicide

i had weird methods
some were by moving to another state
or city
some as blatant as leaping off
a nearby building during
rush hour

soon though it became
kind of entertaining
trying to think of new ways to do it
like rushing out to the
nasa launch pad during a rocket test

i had this one
where i took the whole police
station with me,
dynamite-
a car-
big burst of flames-

but i stopped
thinking of suicide

it had something to do with
finding a clean pair of underwear
and a
clean spoon

afterwards, when i came out of my funk
i thought of helping others for
awhile, but i realized
after two missing lamps
a set of sewing needles and a bottle of asprin
that that was just another form of suicide.

and now that i want to live
it sounds weird, yet i miss the times
when i didn't
sitting there as now
swamped with bills
and hangovers
women who battered me upon the mattress of
futility
and flirted with every guy

i find after three months
two weeks and a couple of days
the same thing that i found
at the beginning of
those 3 months and two weeks
and a couple of days

it's hard to
come up with reasons to stay
alive
when there are so many reasons
so many ways
that you can kill yourself

but as i said
clean underwear
a spoon

they can keep a man
around for years

if he can finally find them

and then
all he has to do
all he has to endure
is everything else